Thoughts

This is a personal journal entry...random thoughts I have each day.

I thought today of what it would be like if Aiden didn't have his challenges.  I'm a little afraid that Austin is going to "out grow" his brother in words, potty training (that will happen), and play.  They are such good friends now.  Developmentally, they are the same age to me.  As time goes by, I'm a little worried that Aiden will get left behind.  I hope he learns to make friends.  We go to the park a lot, and young children--about his age--always ask his name and try to interact with him.  Aiden doesn't respond to this at all.  Although he is making more eye contact, it is really only with people he knows and feels comfortable with.  I don't blame him, and I'm sure this is an issue with some children who are just very shy.  The unknown continues to be my biggest hurtle.  Sometimes I think Aiden is going to be just fine, and other times I think, what if he isn't?

Haircuts are a major cause of stress for both Aiden and I.  Before the age of 2, Aiden got his hair cut at Kids Cuts.  He loved to sit in the car and push the buttons, and could care less what else was happening.  Around the time Austin was born, I took Aiden in for a haircut, and all he did was scream.  He wouldn't even get in the car.  I thought he was just acting out because of the new baby.  I was wrong.  Aiden HATES to have his haircut!  A scissor is way too dangerous, so I've resorted to buzzing Aiden's hair when it gets unbareably long.  I have to physically hold Aiden between my legs to cut his hair.  I don't know if it is the buzzing by his ear and/or the feeling of the guide, but it is a total nightmare.  I wish Aiden could tell me why he is so afraid of the clipper.  Austin isn't a fan, but he is more annoyed with it than anything.  I've tried to let Aiden play with it before hand, but once he sees it, it is over.  Poor kid is going to have a buzz cut for a long time...

Potty training...I'm not sure what to do for Aiden in this regard.  He fights me more and more when he needs a diaper changed.  Usually, I have to change him when he is standing up.  Indeed, I don't enjoy it either.  Aiden is getting very tall, and it feels a little odd changing such a big boy's diaper.  He shows no signs that he is ready or willing.  At school, he won't even sit on the potty.  I'm going to apply for diaper assistance for him.  He will be on disability soon, and they will help us with diapers when he is 4 years old.  I don't see him potty training in the next 4 months.

Personally, I'm happier than I've been in a long time.  I've let go of a lot, and chosen to find joy in this journey.  My greatest joy is watching my children laugh and play, and hearing Aiden's sweet voice come to life.  I'm so grateful for the sacrifices we have made, so I can be home with my children.  And when they no longer need me, who knows?  Maybe I'll work in a school for special needs children?  I would love to work in Early Childhood.  It has been such a blessing for our family. 

No matter what comes our way, I'm trying to be happy and confident in God's plan for our family.  Each step we take, I see His hand in our lives, and I'm grateful.

   

Patience

Every day is a new day...

There are days that still feel like nothing is wrong, and then there are days it is very clear that Aiden sees the world in a whole different way.  Lately, Aiden gets pre-occupied with having a certain number of objects; usually, it is the number 3.  He has to have all 3 elephants come to bed with him at night, and if he loses one behind the bed, he wakes up crying until I find it.  The other day he had a mini dog, duck, and pig that he had lined up.  The duck went missing, and it was like it was the end of the world for him.  He cried and cried and cried.  I searched everywhere for the little duck, but it was no where to be found.  I had to take Aiden to school over my shoulder, because he couldn't get over the missing duck.  He kicked and screamed for the "duck," and his teacher had to take him inside alone to calm him down.  While Aiden was in school, Austin and I went everywhere trying to find a new duck, but we were unsuccessful.  I was afraid Aiden would remember the event, and lose control again when he came home.  I hid the dog and the pig.  When I brought Aiden home, I quickly took the kids outside.  All was well.  The sad part was, if I had found the duck, Aiden would have been just fine leaving the 3 animals and going to school like normal.  I know this from experience with the elephants!  

These are the moments that are hard--the moments when Aiden's perspective gets disrupted with the unexpected, and he can't seem to function.  But, there are many moments of joy too.  Aiden is beginning to put words into sentences.  His first sentence was (clear as day), "more milk please".  It took 2 1/2 years for him to put those words together!  He also says, "here, have a ____" to his brother.  He shares very well :)  Aiden has many, many new words in his vocabulary.  He loves to sign, and he does it well.  He recently learned his colors, and signs them too!  The boys are playing so well together these days.  They both love to open books and point at pictures.  Aiden continues to sign and say almost all the animals.  I'm sincerely praying that Aiden finds his voice in the next year.  He is getting frustrated when he can't communicate what he wants, and I long to have a conversation with him...   

Aiden is a great blessing in our lives.  He is teaching me how to be patient, and I'm actually learning!  

                           Aiden signing "yellow" with Signing Time DVD's

Perspective

Some people come into your life for a reason, even if just for a short while...

We are very blessed to have my mom and dad close by, and we visit them often.  The boys love visiting with Grandma and Grandpa!  Our visits usually include going to a nearby park.  This time, my mom joined me with Aiden while Austin rested.  Mom and I were commenting on the age of a little girl whose Grandparents were pushing her on a swing.  I guessed she was about 18 months old, and I asked her Grandmother just how old she was.  That opened a door to the most amazing story I've ever heard, and just what I needed to hear.  She told us the story of her daughter, who she was visiting to help out after the birth of a second child.  Her daughter was born 3 months prematurely, and because they failed to protect her eyes from the light when she was born, she became blind.  As a mother of a special needs child, she went through the same thing I did when Aiden was diagnosed--fear, worry, wondering what is going to become of your child.  Her daughter overcame it all, and as her mother puts it, "she is living the dream".  She travels, sky dives, received a college education, and now teachs at the school for the blind.  She is married and has 2 children.  It took everything I had not to sob.  I told her how much it meant to me to hear such an uplifting story, and about my own son's struggles.  Ironically, she used to work with autistic children, and she gave me some good insight into teaching tools for Aiden.  But, more than anything, she gave me a new perspective.  Even if Aiden doesn't completely overcome this, he can still find happiness and success.  

Today, my testimony burns with the knowledge that our Heavenly Father knows and loves each of his children.  A moment later, and we would have missed that woman and all she had to offer me.  She was there for a reason.  I needed that comfort and encouragement, and God knew just who to place in my path...

Happiness

Happiness is going away for awhile, and having your son run into your arms when you return!

Dear Aiden,

Your father and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary this week!  We took some much needed time away, and your aunt Amy took good care of you and your brother.  I'm so grateful that you love her so much, and feel comfortable being in her home.  It was a blessing to have some time for just your father and I, but nothing could compare to the joy I felt when I came to take you home!  You ran into my arms and gave me the best hug I've ever received.  Then, you ran to your father saying, "daddy"!  You have no idea how much that meant to me.  

I cried for you today Aiden.  Your teacher and I were talking before you went into your classroom.  She said their are many parents who just want "someone else" to take care of their special children, and they do little with them at home.  That broke my heart.  I do want someone else to help me, but that doesn't mean that I won't do everything I can to expand on your knowledge.  You are picking up on sign language very well, saying more and more words on your own, and you even said your colors correctly today!  I'm so excited about your progress!  Your father and I talked a little about your life, and how it may be.  I think I'm still a little bit in denial.  I wish with all my heart that you could speak to me, and tell me how you perceive things.  My greatest hope is to have a conversation with you in the next year.  Nothing would give me more joy than that--nothing.  

You are starting to look like a young man.  You have a terrific smile and laugh, and you continue to show affection and love to those around you.  That is your most endearing quality.  We love you, and we are so proud of the progress you have made in such a short time!  Speech Therapy starts at the Waisman Center soon.  I'm hoping this semester will bring many, many more miracles in that regard!

All my love,

Mommy       

Success!

Life is good!

Today was Aiden's first day of school (orientation).  I was so excited to tell his Occupational Therapist about all the progress he made over the summer!  

Aiden is learning new words nearly every day.  A month or so ago I started doing some simple flash cards with him.  He got a little more than half correct (ball, cat, dog, etc.).  Now, he says them all...even the "harder" ones!  Aiden continues to love animals.  He knows most of them, and will even sign them!  He LOVES "Signing Time" DVD's, and as much as I don't want him to watch a lot of TV, it really helps him A LOT.  With that, me talking like a speech therapist all day, books, and Little Einstein DVD's, Aiden is "catching on"!  To my utter delight, Aiden is starting to speak in short sentences.  He used to pull me to the fridge, or shove the cup in my face when he wanted more juice or milk.  Now he says, "more milk please".  I cried the first time he said it.  And it didn't stop there.  Aiden asked me for "more popcorn please" just the other day.  I was a little heartbroken when I had to tell him it was gone.  My son said a sentence correctly, and I can't give him what he wants!  Tonight, while looking for Austin's blanket, Aiden handed it to me and said, "here".  That may not seem like a big deal, but for Aiden that was a giant step forward.  He is starting to respond to his environment, show more eye contact, greet other children (usually with a hug and/or a kiss), and speak more and more on his own (vs. echolalia-type speech where he just repeats the words).  

While all these things are a complete and utter miracle, I do know that it is still a long road ahead.  When adults talk to him, it is common for Aiden to "growl" and act unusual.  The other day at the store, Aiden was flat on his stomach in the middle of an aisle pushing a toy car back and forth.  Sometimes I wonder what other people think when he does those things.  I'm always grateful to see a familiar face who knows Aiden, and where he struggles.  I try not to use the word "autism".  I don't want Aiden labeled, and so, I let people think what they want, and try to stay strong during those times.  It hurts a little, but now I have tremendous empathy for mother's of special needs children.      

As with all things in life, there are good times and bad.  I'm grateful for an amazing summer with my children.  We did so much, and I hope--even in some small way--the things we did helped Aiden.  I did the best I could.  Now I'm grateful for some help with him--I'm going to need some serious help with potty training--yikes!

Aiden made this airplane all by himself.  He even used it as such!