SAHM--stay at home mom. Something I wish I could be, but never will completely be...
Six years ago, I took a leap of faith and quit my full-time job so I could be home with Aiden. I stayed on at the hospital "per-diem," and took a work-from-home job. That job was a major stress on our family when I had baby #2. I didn't feel like a SAHM ignoring my children for 5 hours of the day just so I could get my work done. It didn't work out. Looking back at it now, I can't believe I lasted 2 years. Lucky for me I had the hospital to lean on; unfortunately, that isn't where my heart is, nor is it where I belong in the field of nutrition. This has been a chronic source of stress and heartache. By worldly standards, I should be working at least 20+ hours a week to make ends meet for our family. I'm still holding on to hope that things will get better, but our finances are more challenging than ever--even after we sacrificed 5 years for Abe's Master's Degree. You just can't support a family of 6 on a teacher's salary--especially not a part-time one! We live as meager as we can. The only thing "extra" we have is the internet. No fancy, expensive cell phone plans, no car payments, no vacations, no new clothes or shoes, no Christmas presents (I did buy 1 big thing last year for the first time ever). Nothing extra except a few fast food meals away from home. Our desperate attempt to get the mortgage at a more reasonable rate failed ($7,000 short in property value). There simply is nothing left to reduce/get rid of.
Yesterday evening I invited Abe to go for our first Spring walk as a family. While our marriage has been doing well this past few months, we got in a terrible argument right away. I have to work tomorrow, so he needs to take Aiden to school. While discussing this, Abe started to complain about how Aiden gets "off track" when I don't do the morning routine, and how hard it is on him. Needless to say, this hit the deep hurt in my heart so hard that I blew up. Just lost it. I am well aware that my hours at the hospital--although few and far between--make a big impact on Aiden's life. I hate it more than words can say. I don't enjoy my job in the least bit. I hate it. Did Abe have any clue how hard it is for me to take hours at the hospital? How obligated I am to take them so we can make ends meet? Does he even have a clue what I go through every morning I leave my kids in someone else's hands? I do realize that some woman HAVE to be the sole providers for their families, and I would too if I had to parent alone. However, it is a righteous desire to be home with my kids, and I don't understand why Abe won't fight harder to make up for his part-time income. We are on the same page most of the time. He wants me to be home. I want to be home. He just isn't willing to make that happen, and it breaks my heart. I just don't understand it. What a slap in the face. I KNOW this hurts Aiden. I take PRIDE in what I do in my home. I am a terrific housekeeper. I cook 5 meals a week. The house is picked up at the end of the day. The boys always have clean clothes to wear and a balanced, healthy lunch and dinner. I take them to playgroups, to the park, and to special places like Skelly's. We go for walks as a family most days. I do preschool books with Austin (he has completed 4), and taught him how to write his name. I do homework and a daily calendar with Aiden every evening before he starts therapy. I try to limit their television (we don't have cable). We read books every night, and we say a prayer together without fail. I'm good at this. I love it. I love my kids. I want to be home with them. There is nothing left to sacrifice financially to make that happen.
Sometimes it is hard to have faith through trials. I realize that the good Lord is keeping me humble this way, and the trial could be much worse, but it hurts some days. It hurts when I can't do what I love day in and day out. Life is too short to be this unhappy about our circumstances. If I fix it by going back to work part-time, I ultimately take a piece of who I am as a person away. I hurt my kids. I hurt my marriage. Praise to all the mother's who work full-time/part-time but who would much rather keep their energy at home. I don't know how you find the balance, but this just isn't for me.
"Strong faith in the Savior is submissively accepting of His will and timing in our lives--even if the outcome is not what we hoped for or wanted." --Elder Bednar
